THRILL SCALE 1-10
6.5
HAVE I SEEN IT BEFORE?
Never
BEST SEQUENCE
I'm going to choose a few parts that are snake-related. Conan fighting and beheading a giant snake, Thulsa Doom morphing into a giant snake, even the way that Thulsa Doom is able to use a bow to shoot snakes like they were arrows. And the giant snake special effects are actually pretty good!
BEST LINE
"Conan! What is best in life?"
"To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women"
ROTTEN TOMATOES SCORE
67%
ROTTEN TOMATOES CRITICS CONSENSUS
"Though Conan may take itself too seriously for some, this adventure film about a former slave seeking vengeance is full of quotable Schwarzenegger lines and gritty action."
IMDB SYNOPSIS
"A powerful warrior seeks to avenge the genocide of his people and the murder of his parents at the hands of a snake cult."
DIRECTOR
John Milius
MAIN CAST
Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Sandahl Bergman, Gerry Lopez, Max von Sydow, Mako Iwamatsu
THOUGHTS
- It's silly as hell, but honestly, this movie's a lot of fun and it's not afraid to get bloody. A lot of beheadings!
- I like Schwarzenegger as an action star, I even like him as an actor, but you can definitely see why Conan and the Terminator were his first big breakout roles. Not much dialogue needed, not even much acting required, he really just had to look impossibly big and muscular and physically imposing
- Schwarzenegger's next big hit after Conan and The Terminator was Commando, another movie that I haven't seen, but I probably will someday
- Admittedly I've never been any good at being able to tell when people are wearing wigs in movies or when it's real hair, but I just have to assume that the long, flowing manes are all ridiculous wigs, on James Earl Jones especially. Also, nearly every man in this movie is absolutely hideous
- Wonderful scenery
- Full disclosure, this movie had some pretty serious issues with its treatment of animals, especially with regard to some of the horse stunts. However, I have to mention what might actually be the most memorable moment of the movie for me, when Conan punches a camel in the face and knocks it out. I'm going to give the movie the benefit of the doubt for this scene, as it seems to have been achieved with film editing and convincing sound effects, but it sure did make an impact on me
- Also, another similarly memorable scene that's even more obviously faked, when Conan gets crucified on the Tree of Woe and kills a vulture with just his teeth
- Finally, while watching this movie I did some googling that led to my strongest ever experience of the Mandela Effect, in which I remembered something so vividly that apparently never existed - I remembered that there was a cartoon TV show version of Conan from back when I was a kid, but I could have sworn that it was called Conan the Barbarian, with a theme song that went "Conaaaaan the Barbariaaaaaan". That theme song is the real Mandela Effect here, to the point that anytime I've thought of Conan the Barbarian I've heard that song in my head. But apparently the TV show was called Conan the Adventurer, and that's how the theme song goes, too! The "Conan the Barbarian" lyrics aren't in the movie, I've checked toy commercials and other TV show theme songs, and I just can't find it. Am I crazy? Or am I truly the only one who remembers a deep, triumphant voice singing "Conaaaan the Barbariaaaaan"?! Please, if you feel like you remember this too, let me know!
Up next: I had no idea about this connection before I decided to insert Conan the Barbarian into the list, but it turns out there's a link between Conan and the next movie, which had some script work done by the director of Conan, John Milius. From 1971, it's Dirty Harry
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